Don't let your heart get heavy.

I have insecurities. I never really say or admit it, but I do. The more I try to ignore it, the more bothersome it becomes. The questions and curiosity eat at my mind and I am left to figure it out on my own. I hate feeling ridiculous. I hate letting something that's not even something bother me so much. I hate how heavy my heart can feel after a single thought. It comes and goes. It never stays for long. Even so, the weight almost feels heavier each time it comes back unanswered. Just learn to let it go. You have enough weight left to carry.

Gravity.

The insecurities I built up in my head unfold.

As I look for a scapegoat to scold.

For the reason why they are no longer there.

The walls I worked so hard to bear.

The weight of my weaknesses, so heavy they may be.

It takes a burden that no one can see.

I close my eyes and mind to recover my sanity. 

To come back to earth and regain gravity.

Sweet silence.

If it's one thing I admire in a friendship, it would be the silence. There are always gonna be good times and laughs in a friendship, but for me it comes down to the comfortability of the silence. If I can be truly peaceful at the stillness of the moment, then I owe you my gratitude. I appreciate those moments and the sense of peace it seems to bring me. It's a rarity for me to allow myself that feeling, so just know the silence is but a sweet, blissful freedom.

Shhh.

It can get pretty frustrating. Do you ever get that unsettling knot in your stomach out of nowhere? For no reason, but you can't help but feel a little uneasy. A little miffed. It's frustrating because you don't wanna feel that way. Or you don't even know why you feel that way. You just wanna be good again. No bad thoughts. Why must it always go there? Controlless mind. Damn you and your pessimism. Okay, backtrack a little to when everything was fine inside your mind. Stay there for a little. 

Pure bliss.

We come across so many people throughout our lifetime. Many come and go, and then there are those select few that stay a bit longer. The best ones that come into your life are the ones that you don't see coming at all. They may still be in your life, but you already know they made a permanent mark. Sometimes they fill in the little emptiness that you weren't even aware was there to begin with. Or you did but brushed it off along with any other unwanted emotions. It can be crazy how used to someone you get. So familiar with their presence that they become part of your routine. It's not an overwhelming feeling though. It's almost too natural and easy. The not knowing is all part of the thrill. Just letting things be and fall into place if that's where it's meant to fall. It is okay to want something in your life. Stop believing otherwise. Hold on to that extra piece of happiness that shed a little more light into your life. Ahh. Sweet feeling, isn't it? Nothing but pure bliss.

Fool's gold.

Do you ever almost feel like an absolute fool? To just know damn well how incredibly naive part of your mind is being. It's not the best feeling. The moment of the impending realization. That all the things you swore wouldn't happen, are happening. The self disappointment in knowing you lost control and gave in. But now you realize so you can stop it in its tracks. Now you have no excuse. Can't completely blame you. Sometimes you see what you want to see. Feel what you subconsciously want to feel. But is it real? How foolish to think things could possibly work out alright for once. Reasons for happiness are all but permanent. You of all people should know that. But by all means, cherish the now. Just please don't let yourself down anymore.

It is.

You know when you do so much thinking that you only lead yourself farther from what you were trying to figure out in the first place? You sort of reach this mystic part of your mind that you subconsciously avoid at all costs. Its always been there, but you hardly know it. I don't know. Maybe it's only me. The voices in my head, they come from that place. It's almost like the voice of reason, yet I refuse to listen. I don't wanna hear it. I shut them out knowing it's my best bet at keeping levelheaded. I drown them so I can carry on. Ignorance is bliss, is it not?

Sea of lies.

You know when you know write something, read it, and then just erase it all? Partly because it sounds insane. And partly because it's the complete truth. Then, you write something else that's only half true, but it's easier to read so you go with that. You then continue to believe what you've been telling yourself, knowing deep down inside you're just lying to yourself. Somehow though, you tell yourself enough times to truly believe it. You continue to live like that until you come across something. Something that pulls you back to reality and shoves the realization right in front of you. It's a glimpse of the truth and you hate it for that reason. Then, you're left alone trying to figure out what's real in the sea of lies. 

There is nothing worse than not being completely honest with yourself. It's undoubtedly worse than being untrue to someone else. How can you even be honest to anyone else if you can't even be honest with yourself? You just can't. Simple as that. Don't force yourself though. When you want to accept it, you will. And maybe that time will never come. But all you can do is keep it going.

Lost inspiration.

It's as if when I detached myself from the ability to feel anything, I sort of lost inspiration as well. I guess it comes hand in hand. With emotion and feeling come inspiration. And I just shut it all out. I shut out all the little voices that kept echoing in my head. For what? To feel sane? To just pretend like I have it all together? It's been somewhat easier that way. I've almost convinced myself till now. It all starts with a question. Then, the attempted truth of an answer. Next, the mental destruction. Back to square one. Not sure whether I should be completely honest with myself. Doesn't everyone just pretend anyhow? I mean, who really actually has it all together? But this pretending feels almost soulless. I long to feel something. But I don't want to lose it either. 

Limitless.

I just realized how much I hate expiration dates. I hate time limits. Anything that restricts my full freedom to be content in the now without thinking about the later. Why can't everything we go through in life be gone through without having to worry about its end? It makes it sad almost. To know something is coming near to its end, which makes it harder to fully cease the moment. What I would give to just be limitless. If there's an end, I don't want to know about it. If there are limits, I want the freedom to push it to its farthest extent. If there are boundaries, I want to figure them out for myself. Must everything have an understood end? Doesn't that just take away from the uncertain beauty of life? Or does it save ourselves from the inevitable woes we'll eventually go through anyway? 

Slow down.

In the midst of our fast-paced lives, it's comforting to just slow down and breathe. It's nice to just stop and appreciate everything for a moment. We often forget the true meaning of life, while we carry on with the humdrum routine of our everyday lives. Find room everyday to do something that makes you happy. Easier said than done, but there's always time. Stop moving so fast. Just slow down and breathe. 

The unexpected.

Here I am thinking I can go untouched by anything. That I do have absolute control over what happens to me in my life. Then, out of nowhere, absolutely nowhere, it happens. The unexpected is the scariest, most thrilling feeling one could feel. To feel alive. To feel like a part of something. It's an impossible feeling to figure out myself. Something so full of awe, even the silence is strong with passion. Strong enough to let go of the fear though? But I've always wanted to be alone, it's just been better that way. So why does the loneliness now feel incomparably empty?

Dose of something.

I have never really been into the whole horoscope thing. It was all just a bunch of bogusness to me. Recently, I found myself checking my daily horoscope and applying it to my life. I am really not too sure why I have had the change of heart. Perhaps I need something to believe in. Something to just shed a little light onto my emptiness. Just a little dose of hope maybe. I have no idea. I might be overanalyzing again. Who knows. But whatever it might be, I think we all need something to believe in. Believing in something or someone is part of what makes us human. And do we not all long to feel human?

Piano man.

March 9, 2015. Truly a night to remember.
Growing up hearing his music, I have always had a sense of appreciation. There is no feeling to describe hearing the piano himself, just hundreds of feet away, fill the room with his classic melodies. The same ones I grew to appreciate and love throughout the years. Magical it was.
Thank you, Billy.

2/26/15 1:55am

Silence. Silence. Silence. Silence. Loudness. Silence. Silence. Loudness. Loudness. How is that even fair? My mind is the one thing that is just completely mine, yet I cannot control when the loudness comes and goes. It almost scares me. And I hate anything that scares me. Because it reminds me that I do not have completely control. Of my life. My feelings. My mind. My emotions. And I need to be in control. Being in control mean that I get to choose whether I feel pain or not. And being without the pain means that there is finally silence.

Peace and quiet.

For now.

Wonderwall.

My outside masks my inner thoughts completely. Anything less than that will show signs of weakness. I manage to shut them down for a while. But it could be the slightest trigger that awakens them again. There is no escaping. Too long and the walls begin to cave in. In the distant background, very faintly, "Wonderwall" plays. Give in for the moment. Just close your eyes and drift into nonexistence.

The perfections in the imperfections.

I think life is the most beautiful at its least perfect moments. It is during those moments when we finally realize all the good we had/have. It is during those moments when we can truly appreciate every ounce of our ponderous lives. It is during those moments when we swear to ourselves never to take another thing for granted. I never appreciated my lows till now. I would so much rather feel any kind of pain than to monotonously go through my life without some kind of feeling. How else does one grow? These rough patches are what give our lives strength and endurance for the long run. It is the farthest from easy. But there is no better run than this. 

"We accept the love we think we deserve."

When something is a little too good or you are a little too happy, it almost does not feel right. Instead of letting things be and fall into place, we stop the feeling in its tracks. Sometimes we would rather be the reason for our own sadness than have something or someone else hurt us. At least that way we know it is coming and we can properly prepare ourselves. In a way, I think part of ourselves ask for the sadness. It can be a familiar feeling that we do not necessarily mind feeling anymore. It is all too comfortable. This is the way it has always been, so why let things change? 

Inevitability.

If there is one thing I learned, it is to learn to let go. Do not beat yourself up over things out of your control. There are just some things we cannot change, and we will slowly ruin ourselves believing otherwise. Sometimes we do bring it upon ourselves though. We are fully aware of the consequences yet it does not matter at the moment. But if it once made you happy, is it okay if it slowly takes you over?

We are all on the pursuit.

hap·pi·ness

ˈhapēnəs/

noun

1. the state of being happy.
2.      "she struggled to find happiness in her life"

Happiness. We all long for this. If we cannot find it in ourselves, we look for it somewhere else. Some try to find it in materialistic things. Some in a lover. But it is at the end of the day when you go to bed by yourself when you know if you are truly happy or not. We may go throughout the day smiling and laughing, and that does not mean you are necessarily putting up a front, but that does not exactly mean you are happy either. Or maybe you are. It may seem so simple. Either you are happy, or you are not. But somehow life is just so much more complicated than that. How do you know when you are truly happy? When you finally find your lifelong passion? When you find the person whom you know you are going to spend the rest of your life with? I do not know myself. I would like to think it begins when you find yourself. When you can find it in yourself to accept all of your failures and weaknesses. Then, I believe, you can truly be happy. 

Urban Outfitters Purchase

Urban Outfitters Purchase
Aries Suzie Zodiac Necklace - $18.00
Black Long Brim Fedora - $39.00

I normally don't spend so much on just one item, but I've been wanting a black fedora for the longest time. As soon as I saw the aries necklace, I loved the simplicity. I'm starting to get into zodiac signs as well. I found my new everyday necklace.

Let's do this.

Hello, everyone. Recently, I decided to start blogging again. Why not? Everything from my daily life, interests, wishes, thoughts, food, hauls, poetry, etc. Let's do this.